JR'S Free Thought Pages
Woody Allen Quotes
Is sex dirty?
Only if it's done right. (Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex)
was the most fun I ever had without laughing. (Annie Hall)
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love. (Annie Hall)
love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good
Sex between a
man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and
the right woman.
My love life
is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of
Love is the
answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good
I'm such a
good lover because I practise a lot on my own.
The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.
And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever.
enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. (Play it Again Sam)
I'm really a
timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers. (Sleeper)
My brain -
it's my second favorite organ. (Sleeper)
Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yes, for
twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes. (Sleeper)
nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it. (Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')
Not only is
there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.(Getting Even, 'My
The lion and
the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. (Without
Feathers, 'The Scrolls')
It's not that
I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Death)
The thing to
remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when
you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death,
incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought,
particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that
there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus
side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. (The
better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. (The Early Essays)
I was thrown
out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of
another boy. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old
World. Their values in life are God and carpeting. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of
I am an only
child. I have one sister. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.
I am at two
with nature. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
Some guy hit
my fender the other day, and I said unto him 'Be fruitful, and multiply.' But
not in those words. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
Clown Prince of American Humor)
I asked the
girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a
very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very
well adjusted for an only child. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action
immediately: they rent out my room. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)
My one regret
in life is that I am not someone else. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)
Death is an
acquired trait. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)
I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
money and run. (Film title)
If only God
would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss
bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. (Sayings of the Week,
all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed
thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have
you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
The baby is
fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way
How can I
believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an
I sold the
memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out
wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my
If there is
reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
The only time
my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce
I do not
believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If you want
to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
If you don't
fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people
enjoy the waking hours much more.
More than any
time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom
to choose correctly.
everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely
overpaid for my carpet.
according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting
thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left
94.5% of all
statistics are made up.
Why ruin a good story with the truth?
Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?
impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable,
as ones hat keeps falling off...
I failed to
make the chess team because of my height.
that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
He tells how
he was caught cheating on a college metaphysics exam: "I was looking into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
He also pokes
fun at existentialism, commenting on a course he took in the subject: "I
didn't know any of the answers so I left it all blank. I got a hundred."
wife studied philosophy in college: "She used to prove that I didn't
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it
through not dying.
"What about all that talk about death being the same as sleep?"
"Yes, but the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells,
'Everybody up, it's morning,' it's very hard to find your slippers."
To you I'm an atheist, to God I'm the loyal opposition.
matter begin with an explosion or by the word of God? And if by the latter,
could He not have begun it just two weeks earlier to take advantage of some of
the warmer weather?"
what you'd call a teleological, existential atheist--I believe that there's an
intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New
keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is, will they be able to
break a twenty?"
is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from
Midtown and how late is it open?"
Never kill a man, especially if it means taking his life.
could only see a miracle," Boris argues, "a burning bush, the seas
part....Uncle Sasha pick up a check." Or, "If only God would give me
some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words.
If He would just cough." (Love and Death – Movie)
“If only God would give me some
clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
is not really an end; think of it as an effective way to cut down on your
grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide; everyone was too unhappy."
I am two with
talk of an inhabited planet named Quelm, so distant from earth that a man
traveling at the speed of light would take six million years to get there,
although they are planning a new express route that will cut two hours off the
"Is sex dirty? Only when
it's being done right." - Woody Allen, Everything you Always Wanted to
Know about Sex, but were Afraid to Ask, 1972.
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
“I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe
when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never
stop throwing up.”
are you planning on doing Saturday night?` `Committing suicide!`
`Well... how about Friday night?`
last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.”
“Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.”
immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.”
nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an
In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?