JR'S Free Thought Pages
            No Gods  ~ No Masters   

                               George Carlin Quotes

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

They debated NAFTA for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” - don’t bend over.

As far as calling them “Native Americans” is concerned, do I even have to point out what an insult this is? We steal their hemisphere, kill twenty or so million of them*,destroy five hundred separate cultures, herd the survivors on to the worst land we can find, and now we want to name them after ourselves? It’s appalling. Haven’t we done enough damage? Do we have to further degrade them by tagging them with the same name as the conquerors? (*Before 1492 there were 25 million people in Central America. By 1579 there were 2 million)

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. Second is not all that bad.

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.

After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.

Talk about wrong priorities. We live in a country that has a National Spelling Bee. But when is the last time you heard of a Thinking Bee. Or a Reasoning Bee? Maybe an Ethics Bee? Never! Did you know the only people in our culture who are taught ethics are a handful of college philosophy students?

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.

When Ronal Reagan got Alzheimer’s disease, how could they tell?

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think alcoholics should be told not to fuck.

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I’m very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

I don’t know how you feel, but I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them! If holy people are so concerned with politics, government and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everyone else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highways with their RVs. But apparently the RVs aren’t enough, because behind them they are towing cars, motor boats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, ski jets, snowmobiles, parasails, hang gliders. Hot air balloons and two small two-,man deep sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack are lunar excursion modules. Doesn’t anyone take a fucking walk anymore?

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I would have to say the universe has aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not however be responsible for the consequences.

Here’s more middlebrow bullshit philosophy. “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.” I’ve got something more realistic: “That which does not kill me may sever my spinal cord, crush my rib cage, cave in my skull and leave me helpless and paralyzed, soaking in a puddle of my own waste.” Put that in your T-shirt, touchy feely New Age asshole!

Live and let live – that’s what I say. Anyone who can’t understand that should be killed.

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn’t it legal to sell fucking?

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.

Christian deodorant: “Thou shalt not smell.”

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

In the United States anyone can be president. That’s the problem.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

If you live long enough, everyone you know has cancer.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says “Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit.”

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

The IQ and life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the opposite direction.

Are you sick of this “royal family” shit? Who gives a fuck about these people? Who cares about the English in general? The uncivilized, murderous, backward English. Inbred savages hiding behind Shakespeare, pretending to be cultured. Don’t be misled by the manners – if you want to know what lurks beneath the surface, take a look at soccer crowds. That’s the true British character. I’m Irish and American, and we had to kick these degenerate mother fuckers out of both countries.

The best thing about living on the seashore is that you only have assholes on three sides.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.

Suggested Bumper Sticker:  We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us advertising his minor scholastic achievements on the bumper of our car.

When I first heard the song “Don’t worry- be happy” I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with “Me first”.

Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, “Jesus made me drop the ball” or, “The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.”

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

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