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    United Native Americans Buy Montana State

The United Native Americans (UNA) is proud to announce that it has purchased the State of Montana from the Christian White Man and is throwing it open to American Indian settlement. UNA bought Montana from three recovering Catholic winos found wandering in our urban slums. The three piss tanks promptly signed the treaty, which was written in the Northern Cheyenne language, and sold Montana for a wampum belt, one eagle feather, three bottles of wine, one bottle of gin and four cases of beer.

The Honorable George E. Little Bear, the new Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs, has announced the following new policies:

The Indians hereby generously give the Christian white eye savages four enormously huge reservations of ten acres each at the following locations: in the middle of Makoshika Park, in the Bad Lands of South Dakota, in the Utah Salt Flats and the Aleutian Island Wilderness of Alaska. These reservations shall belong to the whites for as long as the sun shines and the grasses grow - or until such time as we Indians discover gold or oil on them and want them back.

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any white who wants to use his land in any way must secure the permission of Commissioner Little Bear.

Of course, Christian whites, after paying a business license fee of $10,000, will be allowed to sell or trade handicrafts such as Jesus figurines and rosary beads at their stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with one blanket and one pair of Salvation Army surplus tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of My Life among the Heathen White Eyes. The latter was written as an expose by a former Indian student at an all white high school.

If an American Indian proves sufficiently corrupt and incompetent, he may qualify to be superintendent of any of the above-mentioned Bureau of Caucasian Affairs reservations that have been so generously set aside by the beneficent United Native Americans. Applicants for the position of Superintendent must have less than a year of education, must not be able to understand the Caucasian languages or customs, must have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty and a certificate of incompetence. Of course, no whites need apply.

Commissioner Little Bear also announced the founding of fifty-two residential boarding schools to which white youngsters will be taken from their Christian parents and sent to these institutions of Native indoctrination at the age of six. “We want to take those white kids far away from the greedy narcissistic backward culture of their parents,” the commissioner said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the Florida Everglades, Point Barrow, Alaska and a Puerto Rican jungle.

All of their courses will be taught in the Indian Languages, and there will be demerits and severe punishments for anyone caught speaking English or uttering the phrase “praise Jesus.” All students arriving at the school will immediately be given Native IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian languages, religious rituals, hunting skills and other cultural norms.

In honor of the whites, many cities, streets, cars, baseball and football teams and other products of the draconian capitalist system will be given traditional Caucasian names. One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his upcoming film, “Custer's Last Stand,” he will use many actual whites to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English; although of course, the part of Custer will be played by either Chief Dan George or Tonto.

Certain barbaric white customs such as shopping at the mall and watching soap operas or golf on TV will not be allowed. Whites will not be permitted to practice their heathen religions, and will be required to attend Native Indian ceremonies. Indigenous Missionaries will be sent from each tribe to convert the barbaric heathen Christian Caucasians of the reservations. White churches will either be converted into amusement parks or museums, or will be torn down and the bricks and religious ornaments sold as souvenirs and curiosities.

From: The Pine Ridge Reserve Daily Bugle                                         

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